Praying for Confusion?!

Praying for confusion is counterintuitive to me. Many years ago, as I worked as an engineer, my job was to seek answers in the form of hard numbers. I would collect data, analyze it and file away the results neatly in reports. If a manufacturing inspection occurred, I was ready with my books of answers, which proved everything was in control.

Now as a spiritual director and a student of Christian spirituality, life is completely different for me. The answers that I seek are much more evasive. In fact, I’ve come to accept that I may never find the answers to some of the questions that I have while I’m here on this earth. It’s humbling.

With all of the answer-seeking that I’ve done in my life, imagine my befuddled brain when I was told to, “Pray for the grace of confusion,” by my spiritual director last year. Confusion, in my opinion has never been a grace. Why in the world would I ask for more of it? As students of faith, spirituality, and well—heck, even students of life—aren’t we supposed to be seekers of wisdom and knowledge and all of those other Gifts of the Holy Spirit?

Praying for the grace of confusion is a real thing. Back in the 1500’s, St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote his Spiritual Exercises. The Spiritual Exercises are a type of retreat that one takes to grow closer to God. The original version required a person to step outside of their regular routine for an entire month and commit themselves to prayer and silence. Realizing that not everyone could do this, Ignatius wrote a version that people could do in everyday life—but it takes a serious commitment to daily prayer and almost a year to complete.[1]

I made that retreat last year under the guidance of a spiritual director. And as St. Ignatius suggested, I prayed to God for the grace of confusion over and over again. I honestly didn’t want any more confusion in my life. But I tried. It actually wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago, that it truly dawned on me why Ignatius told us to pray for the grace of confusion. A classmate of mine said, “God’s love for us is so amazing, it’supposed to confuse us.” It sounds simple enough, and yet it’s not simple at all.

So, let me give you an example that might be easier to grasp. Have you ever had a completely irrational crush on someone? Maybe this person didn’t even know that you existed. Or maybe for reasons that lie in the cosmos, there was a zero chance that you would ever be with them. And although that completely destroyed you, you still couldn’t help yourself. You couldn’t stop thinking about them. When it was time to see them again, your pulse race and you’d have a goofy smile plastered on your face that you wished to God wasn’t there, because it totally gave you away.

Well, that level of intensity is how God feels about you. Each time you pause from your busy life and put yourself before God in prayer, God feels that excitement for you. In fact, that’s just a smidgeon of a fraction of a percent of what God feels for you. God’s love for you is so big and so overwhelming, it’s supposed to confuse you.

If you’re not buying it, I completely understand. Neither did I. But maybe, then, could it mean that you should pray to be confused by God’s love for you this Lent? As we journey with our God to the cross in the next couple of weeks, I’ll be praying for you and for me to be blessed with that confusion.

____________________________________

[1]The Spiritual Exercises are a special journey to understanding God’s love for us. If you desire to make the Exercises, I highly recommend finding a spiritual director trained specially in this area to guide you. For more information on the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius see Kevin O’Brien, S.J., The Ignatian Adventure, Experiencing the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius in Daily Life(Chicago: Loyola Press, 2011). Spiritual directors of varying backgrounds can be found at sdiworld.org.